


Finding You(rself)

by xanyad



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Hollstein - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 14:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3329462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanyad/pseuds/xanyad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So this is the first FF I’ve written in probably six or seven years at least- I haven’t written for fun in a very long time!  This fits in with the web series, but diverges at episode 36 just in the sense that everything in episode 35 happened, and Carmilla is alive, but she and Laura haven’t kissed yet.   I watched the series twice in one day last week (instant love/deep procrastination) and have been thinking about writing something with these characters ever since.  Enjoy, and let me know what you think!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Finding You(rself)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first FF I’ve written in probably six or seven years at least- I haven’t written for fun in a very long time! This fits in with the web series, but diverges at episode 36 just in the sense that everything in episode 35 happened, and Carmilla is alive, but she and Laura haven’t kissed yet. I watched the series twice in one day last week (instant love/deep procrastination) and have been thinking about writing something with these characters ever since. Enjoy, and let me know what you think!

You’re not sure that there are words for the things that you’ve been and the things that you’ve done, but she makes you want to try to find some. And it’s been a while since anyone’s made you want to do anything. Maybe that’s why you find yourself here, transfixed, as you hover just out of sight. You know you make her worried and you’re not sure how that makes you feel. Part of you feels a little bad since she probably has enough to worry about, what with the danger and drama and of course, at the center of it all, you- her vampire roommate. Another, larger part of you is secretly and thoroughly elated, because if she worries about you then maybe there’s a part of her that actually cares. And as fucked up as it is, you can’t help but smile as you let yourself momentarily consider the possibility of finally getting something you want. Or maybe this is the first time in a very, very long time that there’s been something, or rather someone, that you truly want. For now you decide that’s what you want to believe; not that it makes it any more likely or any less scary. What would Laura think if she knew you were scared of her? 

It’d be easy to stay here all night; you’ve often claimed that your nights are most favourably spent stalking the woods, exploring the depths of the forests that guard the edges of campus. But as is often the case, the easy thing probably isn’t the right one and maybe it’s time you swallow at least some of your pride. It’s been a long time since you let what someone else wanted affect the calculations you make, but you don’t give it a second thought as you head inside the dorms. 

“I saw you lurking through the window; you don’t have to pretend with me, you know.” She’s sitting at her desk as you enter the room, closing the door quietly behind you. 

“I wasn’t lurking, just gathering my thoughts.” You don’t know what she’s thinking or what she wants or if she’s mad or- 

“I can feel you over-analyzing from here. Can you sit down and try to relax?” You’re not sure what to think as you make your way over to your side of the room, slouching into your bed. You silently curse the entire situation, not for its general awfulness, but more because that same part of you that wants her to worry also wants a reprieve from all of this darkness so that maybe for at least one night you could bask in that weak-kneed, heart racing, new crush feeling. The looming threat of the impending death and destruction of you and her and all of the people who she (and maybe you) had begun to care for kind of killed the mood. “Please talk to me?” 

“I’m not sure what to say, cupcake.” While she claims it annoys her, you don’t miss the way her face lights up at your term of endearment. In some ways, you think, the two of you say more this way, when you’re not really saying anything at all. And as much as you appreciate the subtlety of your connection to one another, you’re still not sure what to make of it all. Or more importantly, what she makes of any of it. “I suppose I could start with I’m sorry and by asking how you are.” Her half smile is enchanting, but it’s the look in her eyes that sends your stomach aflutter. 

“It’s certainly sweet of you to think to ask how I’m doing after the week you’ve had. I’m more worried about you right now.” You’re surprised by this because really, if it weren’t for you (or at least your kind) she wouldn’t be in this situation at all. She would be cramming for finals and getting too drunk for the first time and probably dating that Amazonian redhead, and as you realize this you’re reminded how selfish you are and how short-sighted you can be and you remember why you’d left the room earlier in the first place. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t be,” Her face drops and you regret saying it immediately. “I didn’t mean it that way, cutie… it’s just that I can take care of myself and this is kinda my fault in the first place…” You trail off because it’s one thing for you to know it, but to have to remind her that you’re the reason this is all a mess is something you’d rather not be doing. 

“Carmilla,” She whispers your name, leaning towards you from her chair; you’re completely unprepared for the way it affects you. “Please don’t blame yourself for any of this. If anything, my friends and I would be in a far worse situation right now if it weren’t for you.” Part of you knows it’s true, since there’s no telling what kind of position Laura would be in right now had you never existed. “If anything,” she continued, “I should be going out of my way to thank you for all of this…”

“Really unnecessary, creampuff,” You smirk a little because you’ll never bore of the slightly dazed, flushed reaction you unfalteringly evoke with that nickname. “But maybe, considering both of our thoughts on the subject, we can move past apologies and guilt and see where we’re at from there?” You can tell she’s really thinking about it, and not only because she considers all decisions painstakingly thoroughly. As her face bunches up and she bites her lip just a little, you can’t help but smile a little more widely at how cute she is. 

“I can’t promise not to bring it up again, but I agree for tonight.” You breathe a sigh of relief and relax into your bed with a newfound hope that tonight could be more about starting fresh than dwelling on the past. 

“I appreciate that.” She looks like she’s studying you now. She catches your eyes, and you’re not entirely sure if she’s trying to will you to open up to her, or if she’s trying to seduce you. You know she could accomplish either far more easily than she probably realizes. “You must be tired- are you?” 

“I am,” You know she means from the battle and the plunging and the loss, but that’s not what you mean- you’re tired from these games, the tension, the distance between you that never seems to adequately close. “But I’m feeling wide awake,” The dissonance doesn’t leave you uncomfortable, but empty as you try to remember the last time you felt as moved by something as you’re about to feel by this. 

“I think you’re more tired than you realize- you’re not making much sense, Carm. Maybe you should sleep?” The way she says your name makes you swoon, and although you’d be remiss to admit that to anyone, almost even yourself, it makes what you’re about to say all the more tantalizing for you. 

“Sleep definitely isn’t what I need,” You begin, unsure of how you want to say all the thoughts and feelings and needs that are racing through your head and your body at a quickening pace. “But maybe there is something you can help me with…” 

“Anything!” Her eyes are wide and sincere in a way that reminds you of all the reasons you want her and all the reasons why you’re the last person she should be with at the same time. It suddenly occurs to you that maybe she feels indebted to you because the way she sees it, you did save her life. And as much as you’re not into hero stuff and you don’t think she owes you anything, she might, and that’s not the way you want this to happen. 

“Could you maybe come here and hold me?” Once the words escape your lips before you have time to think, and it dawns on you that it’s probably more intimate than any of the things that were buzzing in your body and your head only seconds ago. Without a word she moves to join you on the bed and she takes your hand slowly because it’s you who asked and when it comes down to it, it’s you who has control. 

And just as you begin to think you have this as figured out, she wraps her arms around you, nonchalantly embracing you more tightly than you’ve been held in what feels like forever. She’s small, but she’s surprisingly strong and she’s as warm and soft as you surmised from the brushes and touches that sustained your imagination since you’d first walked through that door. 

As she holds you, all you can think about is how you’re not even sure you can remember when you stopped feeling the things that you said. It’s been years since this has been more than a means to an end, and you’re not quite sure that you remember what it’s like to let yourself linger and want and feel. You’re pretty sure that you want this more than she does, and for someone who’s spent so long being sure of almost everything, it’s not entirely unwelcome.

There are things that you do that no one will ever understand, maybe not even her. But for now she’s here in your arms and you’ll do anything to protect her. And while it’s not exactly what you expected, you’re pretty sure you’ve finally found a reason to try.


End file.
